We're Doing Something Right

As a first time parent I often wonder if I'm doing it right and if I'm being a good mom. When I look at the big picture I kind of freak out, thinking how am I going to make sure she meets all of her developmental milestones, am I talking and engaging her enough, is she going to learn to sit and crawl if she's always in my arms? And how am I going to protect this tiny little girl from the cold, sickness, strangers, accidents, money problems, food allergies, prejudice and hatred in the world?! Basically everything that could hurt my baby (and I readily admit that I've probably watched too much Law and Order/NCIS/CSI which give me some crazy ideas of what evils could happen). It's at those times I want to put her back in my womb because I could protect her a lot better there. But that's not where she's meant to be and that's not how I'm meant to think. What helps me is to take things hour by hour and day by day. I know that this hour she just wants to be fed- and I can do that! And I know that today I can keep her happy and loved, fed, in a clean diaper, warm, safe from danger. I may be surviving these first months of motherhood with little sleep and not leaving our room much, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful baby that the Lord has blessed me with and see that she is THRIVING! And that is what is most important.

And after this weekend I also feel very proud and that Andrés and I are doing something right because... Amanda was baptized! I mean, how much better of a mother could I be than to make sure my daughter receives the gift of eternal life, am I right? Let me explain. Catholics have seven Sacraments and those seven are split into three groups. The Sacrament of marriage falls into the category of Sacraments of Vocation. Vocation means a calling from God. I am called by God to be married. It is my vocation to be married to Andrés. And with this vocation, which is a very great gift, comes many responsibilities. But the MAIN responsibility is to get my spouse to heaven. That is my utmost calling by God, to help and encourage the eternal salvation of my husband. And umbrellaed (I'm pretty sure I just made up that word, hehe) under that is to also get any children that come from our union to heaven.*

At Amanda's baptism, Padre Jota (the priest) asked Andrés and I what we wished of the Church for our daughter. We replied, "Baptism." And then we were asked what does Baptism give and we replied, "Eternal life" (see John chapter 3 in the Bible).We're doing something right! Of course we need to take care of Amanda's physical needs so that she has a long, healthy, happy life here on earth, but most important to me is that we take care of her spiritual needs so that she lives a holy life that will get her to heaven to spend an ETERNITY with the One who loves her more than I. We're on the right track by having her baptized. I'm not failing at being a mother.**

Amanda is a new creation in Christ, an adopted DAUGHTER OF GOD, and a temple of the Holy Spirit. I'm so happy for my little girl. And as I write "my little girl" I am reminded of what both the priest and my mother told me about Amanda's baptism. They said that she is no longer mine, that she does not belong to me. I have given her to the Father, she is His. When Padre Jota said this during the ceremony I almost started crying (dang those postpartum hormones) because while I know this is best for her, it's difficult saying that this precious little one does not belong to me. Thankfully Padre also made it clear that while she belongs to God, He still entrusts her care to me and she will always be my little girl.

We were very thankful that Andrés' childhood friend, Padre Jota, could be the priest to celebrate the Sacrament for us.

Pouring of the water

Praying the Our Father with the godparents. We decided to have her godparents be Chilean since we are living in Chile right now. We asked Roberto and Karina who are a married couple and friends of ours because we have noticed they live out their faith and we hope they will be a great example to Amanda.

Presenting Amanda to Our Lady. Totus Tuus Maria!

The happy and blessed family

Thank you to everybody who came and celebrated one of the most important days of our lives with us. And thank you to all the friends and family who weren't able to attend- we know you wanted to! Please keep our family in your prayers, that we may grow in holiness together towards our heavenly goal.


*There is so much to the Sacraments that it could fill up the pages of tens of thousands of books and thus I cannot clarify everything in great detail. So in case there is anyone unfamiliar with Catholic doctrine on the Sacraments of Baptism and Matrimony that I've written here, please understand that I am NOT saying that I can save my spouse and children nor that it is my decision nor actions that do it. Christ is the Savior and each person has to make the decision to cooperate with His saving grace. Yet as wife and mother I have the power and responsibility to give aid and encourage this.

**I don't know if putting disclaimers on my personal blog are really necessary but since I hear so much these days about "Mommy Shaming" I couldn't leave this one off. Getting Amanda baptized does make me feel like a good mom. However, if you're waiting to get your child baptized or if you don't believe in baptism/infant baptism, I'm sure you're a good mother too! The only purpose in this post was to share in the joy of Amanda's baptism and my affirmation of motherhood. :)

Amanda's Birth Story- Part II

To pick up from where we left off, read Part I here. Reminder: What I write may be too much information for some people (it is about a baby coming out of my body after all) so consider yourself forewarned. I include some details that I wouldn't normally tell some people in person in case a mother-to-be is reading and wants to know what to expect.

We left the doctor's office with just an hour to spare before I was due to check-in at the hospital. Since that wasn't enough time to run home first, we got in the car and scooted off to Lider (Chilean Walmart) for shampoo and slippers for me and snacks for mom and Andrés (husband). Then off to the hospital we went. It took about a half hour to get checked-in even though I was pre-registered so we spent the time taking my final baby bump pics. Eventually an orderly came down with a wheelchair and took us up to my fourth floor room.

38 Weeks, 4 Days

In front of the number 1 for our first child

  

Apparently we were already behind schedule because they rushed me to change into my lovely, backless hospital gown and then they started prepping me for surgery. They took my blood pressure (which was at a normal number again and makes me wonder if my OB took it right in his office), shaved me, and got my IV stand ready. Then my midwife showed up and inserted the IV into the side of my lower thumb. And let me tell you, it hurts there. It's pretty much required to have a midwife here and you don't really choose one yourself- you go with the woman your doctor has chosen to work with. I was pretty disappointed with my midwife experience because she really didn't do anything and was very matter-of-fact and not so much bedside-mannerish. I think she would have done a lot more if it was a natural birth instead of c-section but even afterwards she seemed rushed instead of willing to help me with things like how to take care of my incision and breastfeeding.

Continuing on... I was then wheeled down in my bed to the second floor where the surgery would take place. I had been told Andrés would be with my the whole time but I guess they meant only for the actual surgery part because as soon as we got down there they made him wait outside while they took me into the room to start the anesthesia. The anesthetist was a nice man who tried to reassure me right away by telling me he spoke English when he found out  I was a gringa. Usually when Chileans tell me this it means they speak a broken English that is usually more of a hindrance than help in important situations like this (although I definitely applaud them in their effort and level of English because it's hard learning another language)- and that was the case with him. He told me a few times, "It's alright, you're a big woman," thinking he was saying "you're a big girl" instead of insulting my large pregnant body. I guess I wasn't the best patient though because as he was inserting the needles in my back I kept arching away (I couldn't help it, it was an automatic reaction like when someone tickles you- except more painful) instead of pushing my spine towards him. But really, who pushes their spine towards needles? I think he first numbed up some areas with Novocaine and then put in one big needle of the anesthesia. I'm not sure on that though because nobody was explaining much to me. I really wish Andrés would have been let in for that part because of the language barrier.

Well, the drugs started to take effect and I could feel the lower half of me becoming numb and heavy. I kept testing it out, seeing if I could feel myself wiggle my toes. I think I could feel them move. This is where things start to get a bit hazy because the drugs made me tired and my mind foggy. My OB came in the room and he was moving around doing things along with the midwife, anesthetist, and about four nurses. They laid my arms out straight (like Christ on the crucifix, put up the curtain over my chest so I wouldn't be able to see my insides when opened up, and I was disrobed from there down. I noticed my midwife snap a few photos on her phone (I hope it was before I was disrobed)  and remember thinking it was weird. I then felt someone petting my head and saying it was okay. It took me about 20 seconds to realize it was Andrés and that he was in the room with me. That's how out of it I was.

Then the surgery began. From what I know they cut me open using a cauterizer (so you don't bleed as much) and Andrés said he could smell my burning flesh. Nice. Then they put a closed clamp type thing in the incision that has a string attached to it. They yanked on the string and it opened the mouth of the clamp, widening the incision area. Then they tie down the string so that it remained open. I felt no pain but I definitely felt tugging and pulling. I don't know if it was the tugging of them opening me or of them pulling the baby out. And yank her out they did! All of the sudden I heard a little cry and they told us that we had a baby girl. Amanda Rosario was born at 2:22pm on Monday, May 6th, 2013! They cut her cord and brought her around and held her head next to mine so we could see her. I didn't feel sudden euphoria or great feelings of pride and joy (I really think it was because of the drugs), but I remember just thinking "She's here." And that I felt really tired.

Amanda was taken out to be checked on by the pediatrician and cleaned and dressed. Andrés went with her and I was once again alone. They stitched me up quickly and then I was wheeled into the recovery room next door. I think I was kept there for an hour and a nurse checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes. Again, I was really tired and I didn't mind being separated from Amanda- I wanted to rest. Not normal mothering feelings. Finally I was wheeled back up to my fourth floor room. My mom, Andrés, and his parents were there waiting. They told me how cute Amanda was and how she kept turning her head when the nurse tried to point her face towards them and how she fit her whole fist in her mouth (remarkable since she has shown no interest in doing this again since that time). After a few minutes the nurses wheeled Amanda into the room and left her with us and I held my daughter for the first time. Although still under the effects of the anesthesia, I was able to marvel at her small size and beauty and to breastfeed her. Amanda weighed 2740 grams/5.9 pounds and measured 47 centimeters/18.5 inches.

Super Dad- the man who got us through it all

Getting acquainted

Most people said she looks exactly like me and my mom but I believe her nose and jawline come from Andrés. She has a full head of black hair for now and steel grey eyes that I believe will eventually change to brown. We stayed for three nights in the hospital, of which Andrés was able to stay with us the first night, and then we went home on Thursday at noon. We had many, many visitors including Andrés' whole family and a large number of my gringa friends. Although a little awkward to have to feed her in front of some of them as I was just getting used to it, it was so nice to have their support and visits.

With Grandma Jo. Everything is so big on me!

Hanging out with the abuelita

As you were reading this, some of it might have seemed kind of negative because in a way it was for me. I want to be honest about my experience. It was not the birth I wanted by far and as a matter of fact I don't really feel like I gave birth because I didn't do anything- the doctor did it all in surgery. It's still hard for me to process that Amanda is here in my arms yet I have no idea what labor and pushing a baby out feel like. I'm pretty okay with it but I worry that one day I'm going start mourning the loss of that experience as I hear some mothers do. BUT with all that being said I definitely view my c-section as a SUCCESS and a JOY too because Amanda is here, healthy and safe. I'm very happy with my new life as a family of three. Contento, Señor, contento.

Amanda's Birth Story- Part I

Amanda is already 6 weeks old, so before time gets even further away I need to write down her birth story or else I'll forget even more details. What I write may be too much information for some people (it is about a baby coming out of my body after all) so consider yourself forewarned. Also this is my version of the story- if you ask Andrés or my mom they might remember things a little differently or from another perspective. Because things were so fast and I was under the influence of anesthesia some things are a little fuzzy to me and I don't feel like I was able to process everything that was going on.

Here we go!

6 Months

Up until week 29 we had a very healthy pregnancy. Amanda had been growing well, my amniotic fluid was plenty, the placenta was well attached, everything was good. But when we went in for our third (and I had hoped final) ultrasound my OB noticed that Amanda's abdomen was measuring small. It was in a very low percentile compared to her heart, head, and legs which were measuring larger and at a medium percentile. We were told not to worry and to come back in three weeks to have it looked at again. We tried not to worry and when we went back her abdomen was still small. Went back a week later and STILL small. We were given one more week to see if it would grow. I asked my closest family and friends to pray because I couldn't form the words. At the 34 week ultrasound the OB said her abdomen had grown and everything was fine! 

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

We didn't have to go back to see the OB for another three weeks which seemed like a long time after we had been going so regularly. At 37 weeks he did another quick ultrasound and said her abdomen was still looking good. Then he said he'd see us in another week and if anything was wrong he'd do a c-section that day because he was going to a conference the latter half of that week. I was like, "Wait, what? You just said everything was good but are now talking about (what seems like a good likelihood of) a c-section next week!" This is why it's hard for me to wholly trust Chilean doctors because I've heard so many stories (especially birth stories) where they say one thing and mean another. Such as "you're completely healthy and the baby's great so there's no reason you couldn't have a natural delivery" and yet they're planning for a c-section in their schedule. But Andrés assured me after we left his office that the doc wasn't planning anything but rather just covering the bases in case something came up. Therefore I was still in my own little world preparing myself for a natural birth.

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

On Friday, May 2nd my mom arrived in Chile! With an original due date of May 17 we thought we would have about two weeks to sit in cafes and do touristy things and then two weeks to relax and enjoy the baby once she made her debut. We were just a little off in our calculations. On the morning of May 6th, on grandma's fourth day here, on day four of week 38, we went back to the doctor. We put my hospital bag in the trunk with Andrés thinking there was a 50% possibility of us having to use it that day, me thinking there was a 2% chance, and my mom somewhere inbetween. The first thing my OB did was introduce us to his colleague, another doctor who was going to do a "second opinion" ultrasound (the sixth one we had had now). I was surprised because he had said at the last two appointments that everything was good. They didn't say anything to us during the ultrasound but I could see them repeatedly measuring her head, abdomen, and leg. We then followed the doctor into his office and he checked my blood pressure. He got a worried look but again didn't say anything was wrong but made me wait a couple minutes and then he took my bp again.

He then came and sat down at the desk with Andrés, my mother, and me and explained that both he and the other OB agree that Amanda's abdomen was measuring small again- about five weeks behind the other organs in her body. He said this could mean that the placenta wasn't delivering enough nutrients so they were all going to the important organs (brain, heart, etc.) and skipping over the less important (liver). Also my blood pressure had gone up. While it wasn't high on the charts, I usually have a lower bp so it was a concern. There was also something about the blood flow to Amanda's brain but that still has yet to be fully explained to me. With all this put together the doctor highly recommended we "take her out" that day because she wouldn't grow anymore and to keep her in would just be "risk, risk, risk." When you put it that way how could we do anything but decide...

...Amanda was coming that day!

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

Read Part II here.

Introducing My Family!

After a 16 month hiatus, I have decided to return to the blogging world! And boy has a lot happened in the past 16 months. In my last post I shared that Andrés and I got engaged. 

Since then this happened...

And very shortly after this happened...

And then this little one came along!

I know! We were a little surprised too! And so, so happy. Contenta con la vida!

We are now a family of three.


Here's a short recap of what took place over the last 16 months:
I moved back home to MN at the beginning of March 2012 to be with my family, start wedding planning, and to work and save up money for said wedding. The Lord was so kind to provide a job almost right away. I was hired to wash motorhomes. Yes, you read right. It was a good job and I got some exercise and am very thankful for the two months I did that, but washing RVs is just not for me. In May I was able to find other work for the United States Postal Service! I worked as a mail processor in the St. Cloud plant and I really enjoyed my work and co-workers. I got a workout every night (helped me get in shape for the wedding) and my co-workers were so supportive and happy for me when I got married and pregnant. The only downside is that it was the night shift- ugh.

I got to spend as much family quality time as I could when I wasn't sleeping, and everybody chipped in to help the wedding come together. Andrés came up the week before the wedding and then on August 4, 2012 we became man and wife! It was an awesome wedding and reception but the details must be saved for a later post. At the end of August Andrés returned to Chile and I planned to follow him after a few more months of work. On Septembter 13th I found out I was pregnant and Andrés got to learn about it through Skype! Oh the joys. Through the help and support of my parents I was able to move down here at the end of October and join my husband. I found part-time work right away and for months 5-7 of my pregnancy I was blessed with full-time work and again, awesome co-workers. Then on May 2nd my mom arrived and just four short days later Amanda Rosario was born! What a whirlwind. Andrés is now studying and working and I am a stay at home mom for the next few months. It's a blessed life. It's a sleepless life.

Now since I'm a wife, mother, and indefinite expat I'm sure most of my posts will be focused on these new aspects of my life. I hope you enjoy reading about these adventures and I'm so happy to share them with my friends and family- it makes me feel closer to you all across this distance. Also, don't expect posts too frequently (I make no promises to keep up the blog) because I'm still getting the hang of mothering and Amanda is still learning about life on the outside of the womb- which means she's almost permanently in my arms! With that said, I hope to see you here again somewhat soon. God bless!

Our Love Story, Part V

Click on the links to read Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV.

On Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 at approximately 10pm Andrés proposed and I said "Yes!" Or rather "¡Sí!" Here's how it all went down. First of all, it was very non-traditional and traditional all at the same time. The non-traditional part is that I knew it was coming. We picked out, ordered and paid for the rings together and I knew he was going to propose pretty much right away. Everything else followed a mix of American and Chilean tradtion and I loved that. What can I say? I'm a traditional type of girl.

Andrés and I started looking at engagement rings the first month I arrived in Chile but it wasn't until January that we settled on something. And actually we decided to forego the engagement ring and follow a South American tradition instead. We bought our bands which will double as both our engagement and wedding rings. During the engagement period we wear them on our right hands and then when we get married they will be switched to our left hands. We ordered them the last week of January and they were supposed to come in the 31st, but were a day late. February 1st came and on the way to pick them up (they were late again and we had to wait around a couple of hours) Andrés warned me not to get my hopes up that we would get engaged that day because he still wanted to call my parents first.

So we went home after picking up the rings and I got on Skype right away, trying to locate my parents. Andrés wanted to talk to them together but my mom was heading to a poker game with her brothers (that's right, my mom is that cool) so I made him talk to them separately. He told me I was being Bridezilla before we were even engaged! I didn't hear what they said to him, but when he asked for their permission they both gave their approval.

February 2nd, our 2.5 year anniversary. Andrés had asked me a few weeks before what I might like the proposal to be like. I told him that I wanted it to take place somewhere special to us outside of the house and that he could speak in whichever language he wanted to, but that at least a little part of it was Spanish. I gave him some ideas- the church, the beach, a café, etc. Honestly though, I knew that however and wherever he asked me, I would love it. On Thursday we ended up going to almost all of the places I suggested. He was messing with me! Actually, he was thinking about doing it at those places but then something would come up or there would be construction nearby and so the place at that moment was not perfect enough for him. What a thoughtful guy.

We went to a neat café for lunch, then to a couple of lookouts over the ocean, and also to the beach that evening. None of these were the places. When we left for home after the beach, Andrés did not take me home. Instead we went to a lookout (mirador) over the ocean in Concón. We got out of the car and sat on a bench and talked for a couple of minutes. Then he asked me if I was ready to get engaged... and I was like "heck, yes!" So he sat me down and then he got on his knees and took my hands in his. He asked me a few questions. Do you want to be happy with me the rest of your life? Do you want to start a family and have lots of kids with me? Do you want to go through all of the ups and downs of life with me? And finally, Do you want to be my wife? He asked me in English and I answered with a "¡Sí!" to every question. Then he took the ring and put it on the ring finger of my right hand. Then I took his ring out of his hand and asked him some similar questions, ending with ¿Quieres casarte conmigo? (Do you want to marry me?), and he said yes as I put the ring on his finger. It was perfect, wonderful, joyful.

Then he remembered (or I reminded him, wink wink) of me wanting to be asked in Spanish and he did it all over for me. He actually thought he had been speaking in Spanish the whole time! I love this man. And that's how we came to be engaged.

On March 5th I will be moving home to live with my family and plan the wedding. We will be celebrating the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony in early August 2012 in Minnesota. We are happy and so content with life. Thank you so much for sharing with us in our happiness. Contento, Señor, contento! 

So happy on the night of the engagement. This is after going to tell his best friend Carol, who was so excited for us.

The inside of our rings are inscribed. Andrés says God is Love and mine says the same in Spanish, Dios es Amor.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

People probably hear me say this all the time, but it's hard being an adult! I don't know if I'll ever get used to all of these adult responsibilities. Tomorrow I'm getting life insurance. Life insurance! It's for my dad in case I die, because then he would be stuck with paying my student loans since he co-signed on them. I hope I don't die anytime soon. I also went to the doctor today. I thought I was being all responsible going to make sure I was healthy before moving out of the country. Turns out I'm being punished for acting like a responsible adult. Now I have to fit in seeing two specialists in the next few weeks before I lose my insurance. It's nothing life-threatening or too serious, but it is something that needs to be done before I move. Welcome to adulthood, Tammy.


Okay, now that my pity party is over, it's time to move on to the real subject of this post. I've now known Andres for over two years! It was this time two years ago that I was in Chile learning Spanish and getting to know Andres, a few other Chileans and 15 gringos really well. I miss them all so much! And all these good memories keep coming back to me. I keep thinking to myself two years ago today I was... dancing until 4:30am at el Huevo (a five story dance club in Valparaiso)...getting my tattoo... celebrating this person's birthday... or meeting this person for the first time. Today is the feast of St. Maria Goretti, an Italian martyr for purity and an amazing example to all young people. Two years ago today I was visiting el Colegio Santa Maria Goretti, the local parochial school in Concon (and where Andres went to school!). We only had a half day of classes and then we went and visited the school and met the nuns and students. It was very interesting. I enjoyed it, but let's just say that Chilean Catholic school kids act quite a bit different than U.S. Catholic school kids.


Anyhow, if any of you who were in Chile with me the first time are reading this, know that I'm missing you and wishing we could all be together again. Son mis hermanos en Cristo y les extrano y estoy rezando por ustedes. Les quiero mucho!!! Let's go back ;)

Questions and Pensamientos about Love

I have a lot of feelings and thoughts of love and about love. I find myself thinking about them often and I wonder if it's because I'm in a long distance relationship. If Andres was here would I be acting on them more than thinking about them? Anyways, I thought I would put a few of them out there although I feel I don't have the adequate words to describe them. So I apologize in advance if they don't make sense.

• I am in a long distance relationship. Mostly the long distance part sucks. But I do think there are a couple of benefits. First of all, Andres and I have really good communication. Actually now that I ponder it, often we have miscommunications or misunderstandings but we are more than willing to explain and clear them up because words are all that we have. We can't just walk away from each other and we won't give each other the silent treatment because then we would give up all that we have! Pretty much right from the beginning we have been separated and so our relationship is really based on friendship (and not just our good looks and mutual physical attraction) from getting to know each other and what we think about things from the hours we've spent talking over the phone and not being able to do other activities together. (When I say "activities" does it remind you of Brian Regan too? They're both good!) Secondly they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder- or that it breaks a couple apart. Thankfully the former is very true for us! And I can definitely see how this is. Distance lets you know if you really want to be with the person you're with.
• I have often heard people say to their loved one "I fall more in love with you every day." Yes, granted I have often heard this in the movies and so I ask you: what do you think about this? Is this possible? Does this happen to people in real life? I hope I don't get worst girlfriend award of the year but I don't think this is totally true for how I feel about Andres- I don't feel more in love with him or at least recognize that I'm more in love with him every day but this is often how I feel about him. And it amazes me! It causes wonder in me that I can recognize that my feelings for him are deeper and more permanent than the day before. Sometimes I feel that I can't possibly love him more but then the next day I realize that I do! So then I wonder, will I keep feeling this way? I hope I do. I hope I keep falling in love with him and growing deeper in love with him in the next five, ten, twenty and fifty years- as long as we're together! For those of you who have been married for some time now, what are your opinions on this?
• I love Andres more than life. I love my family more than life. I love many of my friends more than life. I love the Lord more than life. Over the past couple of months I have come to realize how deep my love runs for many people. And that I would willingly give up my life for them. And yet it is a paradox because I cannot give up my life for them by the very fact that I need to live my life. Let me try and explain this more clearly. If someone was in danger, I would willingly trade my life for theirs- I would step in front of that bus or bullet or whatever it might be. Yet the people I love are not in immediate mortal danger and since there is no urgent need to give up my life for them then that means that I have to live the life that God has given to me to live. So while I might trade my physical life to save that of my mother's or my niece's if they were in danger, I can't trade my life in Chile to be with them in Minnesota. My vocation is in Chile, I need to go start my life with Andres there. And sometimes that's really hard to accept because that means I'm giving up life with my family for life with him. But I love all of them! I hope you all know that. This also makes me realize how amazing and loving it was that Christ gave up His life for me on the cross.
• Now this next idea is not originally mine but I can't remember who to give credit to. I don't remember if I read this somewhere or heard it on the radio or in a homily, but someone was talking about how we are called to love God above all else and all others. Personally, it's easy to love Him above all things but I struggle to put Him above other people because I love them so much (but then is that true love?). This person proposed a great solution to this struggle I find myself falling into. He said that we are to love God above all else precisely through loving others. God commanded us to love others and we love Him through them. I mean He is their creator and if they belong to the mystical Body of Christ then they have God dwelling in them as they dwell in Him. I like this a lot because I don't want to feel guilty about loving others and I don't think God would want that either.
• And the last thing I've been pondering is that love is a choice. I firmly believe that. True love is a choice. Yes, maybe it starts out with us "falling in love" and that's great. But when tough times come we need to realize that we don't have to "fall out of love" with people but that even if the feelings are no longer there that we can still choose to love that person. And in fact (especially if we are bound to them in marriage) that is exactly what we need to do. I think that divorce rates would be greatly reduced if couples realized that marriage and their relationship does not and cannot rely on feelings alone. Yes, I feel that I'm deeply in love with Andres and I hope those feelings last forever. Yet I will choose to keep on loving him even if they don't. I'll end with these words from Pope Benedict XVI in his first encyclical Deus Caritas Est:

In the gradual unfolding of this encounter, it is clearly revealed that love is not merely a sentiment. Sentiments come and go. A sentiment can be a marvellous first spark, but it is not the fullness of love. Earlier we spoke of the process of purification and maturation by which eros comes fully into its own, becomes love in the full meaning of the word. It is characteristic of mature love that it calls into play all man's potentialities; it engages the whole man, so to speak... This encounter also engages our will and our intellect. Acknowledgment of the living God is one path towards love, and the “yes” of our will to his will unites our intellect, will and sentiments in the all- embracing act of love. But this process is always open-ended; love is never “finished” and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself. (#17)

And in Spanish! 

En el desarrollo de este encuentro se muestra también claramente que el amor no es solamente un sentimiento. Los sentimientos van y vienen. Pueden ser una maravillosa chispa inicial, pero no son la totalidad del amor. Al principio hemos hablado del proceso de purificación y maduración mediante el cual el eros llega a ser totalmente él mismo y se convierte en amor en el pleno sentido de la palabra. Es propio de la madurez del amor que abarque todas las potencialidades del hombre e incluya, por así decir, al hombre en su integridad... Pero dicho encuentro implica también nuestra voluntad y nuestro entendimiento. El reconocimiento del Dios viviente es una vía hacia el amor, y el sí de nuestra voluntad a la suya abarca entendimiento, voluntad y sentimiento en el acto único del amor. No obstante, éste es un proceso que siempre está en camino: el amor nunca se da por « concluido » y completado; se transforma en el curso de la vida, madura y, precisamente por ello, permanece fiel a sí mismo. (#17)

La Vida es un Carnaval

When I went to Chile the first time to learn Spanish they told us to prepare beforehand by listening to music in Spanish. Now at that time I had of course heard the names of different types: salsa, merengue, bachata, reggaeton, mariachi, cumbia etc. But I could not tell you the difference in them (with the exception of reggaeton and mariachi), and I still probably can't, ha! I also didn't really know any artists. I knew that Hillsong United had some of their praise and worship songs in Spanish and I downloaded a few of those. Then I messaged my friend Gabe from college who is actually Brazilian but he also speaks Spanish and is latino. He gave me a list of different artists to listen to and one of them was Celia Cruz. I'm pretty sure she is a huge star (so don't hold this against me) but the first times I listened to her no me gustó (I didn't like her). However, after hearing this song by her over and over again on my ipod and in Zumba and having it also pop up in various places I go, I've become somewhat addicted to it.

The song is called La Vida es un Carnaval- Life is a Carnival. It has a positive message for us living in this troubled world. And it seems to be a very troubled world these days with what's going on in the Middle East, the politics of our own nation, poverty, hunger, abortion, the protests in Chile over Hidroaysen and education... the list could go on and on. Also on a personal level, tragedies (death) seem to keep striking and have been for the past year or so. The most recent is that a parishioner that I saw very often passed away and he will be greatly missed. So I hope that this song and the lyrics will help all of us to remember that even when life deals you a tough hand, even though there are injustices, there are also many things to celebrate and to keep a good attitude (and to keep on singing) can help you through. For the English speakers I will provide lyrics underneath the video but remember I'm not an expert in Spanish- yet!

Todo aquel que piense                                           Everyone who thinks

que la vida es desigual,                                          that life is unequal,

tiene que saver que no es asi,                               has to know that it's not like that,

que la vida es una hermosura,                               that life is beautiful,

hay que vivirla.                                                          you have to live it.

Todo aquel que piense                                           Everyone who thinks

que esta solo                                                           that they're alone

y que esta mal,                                                         and that is bad,

tiene que saber que no es asi,                               has to know that it's not like that,

que en la vida no hay nadie solo,                           that in life no one is alone,

siempre hay alguien.                                                there's always someone.

Ay, no ha que llorar, que la vida es un carnaval,   Oh, don't cry, life is a carnival,

es mas bello vivir cantando.                                  it's more beautiful to live singing.

Oh, oh, oh, ay, no hay que llorar,                           Oh, don't cry,

que la vida es un carnaval                                     life is a carnival

y las penas se van cantando.                                and the pain will go singing

Todo aquel que piense que                             Everyone who thinks

la vida siempre es cruel,                                  life is always cruel,

tiene que saber que no es as                         has to know that it's not like that,

que tan solo hay momentos malos,               it's just that there are bad moments,

y todo pasa.                                                      and everything passes.

Todo aquel que piense                                    Everyone who thinks

que esto nunca va a cambiar,                          that this is never going to change,

tiene que saber que no es asi,                         has to know that it's not like that,

que al mal tiempo buena cara,                         give a brave face to the bad time,

y todo pasa.                                                        and everything passes.

Para aquellos que se quejan tanto.                  For those who complain so much.

Para aquellos que solo critican.                        For those who only criticize.

Para aquellos que usan las armas.                   For those who use weapons.

Para aquellos que nos cantaminan.                  For those who contaminate us.

Para aquellos que hacen la guerra.                  For those who make war.

Para aquellos que viven pecando.                    For those who live sinning.

Para aquellos que nos maltratan.                      For those who mistreat us.

Para aquellos que nos contagian.                     For those who make us sick.

Fuente/Source: musica.com

Easter = Thanksgiving???

Happy Easter everyone! Feliz Pascua de Resurreccion! To start off this post I want to share one of my all-time favorite songs to listen to during the Easter season. I love it because it shows the joy and power of Christ's victory in the Resurrection. It quotes St. Paul's taunting words of "Where o Death is your sting? Where o Sin is your victory?" Ha! Take that Satan! The enemy has been defeated! Enjoy a little listen while you read through the rest.

I have to say that the Easter Vigil here on Saturday night was wonderful! 11 adults, 2 teens and 2 kids became Catholic and were Baptized, Confirmed and/or made their First Communion in our parish. It is almost impossible to describe how much joy this brings me. These 15 people (and the 20 others from the two previous years) make such an impact on me and my faith life during the 9 months that we meet weekly. These are people that have faith and you know it- they're not afraid to show and they're also not afraid to ask questions when they doubt it. But Saturday night there were no doubts. They professed to believe in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and in the Catholic Church. And it was into that faith that they were baptized. What witnesses!


Easter Sunday was also really good. I was invited over to my co-worker's house for dinner with her family and friends. She's like a second (or third or fourth- there's so many kind women here who treat me so nicely) mother to me and it was nice to be included. She'd actually had my parents and me over for Thanksgiving last year and so I had already met most of the people there. I just wish my parents could have joined us again. But it was okay because I got to video chat with them Sunday night! For how much I video chat with Andres, it's surprising how much I don't video chat with my family. It would be so easy but we've never gotten into the habit. I mainly talked with my mom and dad, although I got to speak briefly with my sister too. And I realized something: I love them SO MUCH! I think I pretty much always realize that I love them (being apart from them helps with that) but on Easter Sunday I just felt a great immensity to that love. And that in turn made me very thankful to God for this great gift He's given me in my family.


Lastly tonight I will talk about being thankful for Andres. I was able to video chat with him both before and after talking to my family. Lately, as in the past three weeks, I have been missing Andres like crazy! It's insane how much I miss him and it hasn't been this bad in about a year. It just feels like there is this huge part of me that's missing and that huge part is him. But while all this missing is taking place I've also been growing deeper in love with him. And starting Saturday night and continuing yesterday and today (this Easter season is just magical) I've just felt so thankful for this love I have for Andres and realizing what a great gift it is that God put a man like him in my life. Andres is so good to me and God is so good to me. 


With all this thankfulness welling up inside of me, it makes me think that it should be Thanksgiving but it's not. It's Easter, the time of the resurrection and new life! And so with this newfound and deeper sense of thanksgiving I will celebrate and praise the risen Lord! I hope this season also provides all of you with reasons to be thankful. May Jesus Christ pour His Easter graces upon you!


P.S. I hope to include pictures from the vigil soon but I left my camera at work!

Our Love Story, Part IV

You can read Part I, Part II and Part III by clicking on them.


Okay, we left off with me telling Andrés how I felt about him and then I thought we left things at the mutual agreement of getting to know each other better. Now remember, we had seen each other pretty much everyday for the last week. So imagine my disappointment when I didn't hear from him the next couple of days. I know, I know, you're probably thinking "Two days? That's nothing." But when I only had a total of six weeks in Chile and the first four had flown by and now I'm sitting with two weeks left to get to know this guy and build a relationship- two days was a long time for me! I immediately started doubting what we had talked about and thinking he hadn't understood me and that I had probably misunderstood his intentions. Also, I wasn't going to call him because I wanted to give him the chance to pursue me. Also during these two days pretty much the entire Escuela- both students and professors- knew something was going on between the two of us. I don't know how that happened. I think I had confided in two people and I don't think they would have told anyone. It was a little embarrassing having everyone knowing my business but at the same time I had grown pretty close to them so it was okay. One thing I did NOT like though was having one of my professors going around singing to me "estas enamorada, estas enamorada!" (You're in love, you're in love!) Because I wasn't in love (yet)! I didn't know Andrés well enough to be in love.


This brings us up to Friday. The parish in Concon had a futbol tournament for their Confirmation kids and asked us to participate. Andrés was organizing the whole thing so I knew I would see him there. He says this is the reason why he hadn't called me to do something yet- because he was busy organizing the whole event and he knew he would see me there. Once again though I was so nervous! I couldn't even eat beforehand- my stomach physically would not allow me. When we first got there I think I said "hola" and that was it because what do I say to the guy I had bared my heart to and hadn't contacted me since? It turns out that our gringa team won the championship! And after that Andrés must have been so impressed with my super-slick soccer moves that he stepped up his game (haha, not). However, a huge group of us were going out that night to celebrate Sarah's, one of the gringas, birthday. So before I left the tournament (the boys were still playing, all of us girls were finished) I went to say goodbye to Andrés and he asked if I was going out with the group. I said yes and he said see you there. My heart soared!


That night we all met up on the micro (bus) and it was packed so I wasn't anywhere near Andrés but we saw each other from afar and smiled at one another. Once we got to the club I didn't know what to do. Do I make sure I sit by him or what? Also I doubt they really were but I felt like everyone's eyes were on us. Thankfully Andrés took the lead and made sure I sat by him. Then he offered to get me a drink (I asked him if he wanted money for it, hehe, and he gave me a weird look and then said no). He came back with the drink and let me take a sip of it and then took it away and took my hand and led me onto the dance floor. Then we danced together all night! While we had all arrived together, people were leaving in small groups. Andrés and I left with two others and took the micro back to Concon. As we were leaving he took my hand and put his arm around me on the micro. At that point all my doubts were wiped away and I knew he liked me too! My heart was happy.


Plus... when he dropped me off at my house that night he kissed me! Our first kiss and my first kiss EVER! That's right folks, I was 23 and never been kissed. But hey, the right guy and the right opportunity had never presented itself before so I was okay with it. But now the time had come. It turns out though that I was a pretty bad kisser. I'm pretty sure my lips turned into stone and I was a bit mortified. Also I'm pretty sure that after he kissed me I turned away to go inside the gate while saying something stupid like "thank you" or "buenas noches." Oh my goodness. But then he said "Tammy," grabbed my hand and swung me back to him and kissed me one more time. Still bad but the way he took me back to him could have been right out of a movie.


The following Saturday and Sunday we had what we called "Completomania." It was kind of a nightmare being surrounded by those giant hot dogs covered in mayonnaise for two straight days. The deal is that in a week we were going on a mission trip so we had to fundraise for it. How did we fundraise? That's right, by selling completos! Honestly, I had liked the things, but after Completomania (which was two years ago) I have only been able to eat one of them since. The upside of Completomania is that I got to sell them with Andrés- we had lots of time to talk and get to know each other as we went around Concon asking la gente if they wanted a completo. And I mean we really talked. Andrés asked me some of the hardest questions I've ever been asked (no small talk for us), such as what is my viewpoint on war and torture. Also at night he would "kidnap" and take me driving (I said driving, not parking. Although I'll admit at first I also thought he might have ulterior motives) to see more sights and to talk. It was lovely.


Monday of the next week we got the day off from school to relax after the madness that was Completomania. So Andrés, John, Kayla and I first went to see a beautiful cemetery in Zapallar, close to Ventanas, that is right on the ocean. Then Andrés gave us a guided tour of his favorite city Valparaiso. Tuesday I didn't see Andrés and on Wednesday we had our first official date of just the two of us. It wasn't totally date-like because we ended up running a ton of errands getting ready for the mission but it was still really good. You'll also be happy to know (because I sure was!) that this was the first time we shared a good kiss- meaning my lips did not morph into cement. Thursday night we went out to celebrate another gringo's, Jake's, birthday.  We had fun having a couple of drinks and dancing. Then Friday it was off to the mission.


We were on mission in Lagunillas from Friday through Tuesday. On the way there was the first time people saw us publicly acting like a couple (meaning they saw us holding hands) and I guess it caused a little stir. I was told recently that Stephanie was freaking out- I'm assuming it was a good freaking out, hehe. During the days and evenings we tried to immerse ourselves as best we could in the group activities and the mission work and then at night when most had gone to bed Andrés and I stayed up on the couch talking. It was nice to have some privacy yet to know there was accountability too. On Sunday morning (because I was leaving in two days!) I told Andrés we needed to talk soon about what we were. He thought I meant that I needed to put a label on us but I just needed to know where we stood for when I left. That night on the couch we started out talking about our relationship and then we got onto other subjects. I kept praying, "Lord, I really want him to ask me to be his girlfriend but I don't want to outright ask him to do it. Please let him read my mind!" And guess what? The Lord worked that little miracle for me! On that Sunday night (technically Monday though because it was about 3am) Andrés said, "I don't know how they do this in the U.S.... but will you be my girlfriend?" That was good enough for me and we have been together ever since!


On Tuesday we left straight from Lagunillas to the airport. Thankfully Andrés was able to come with and we got to spend a last couple of hours of quality time. That first airport goodbye was the easiest one we've ever had. I think it's because we had just started dating and neither of us knew where it was going to lead. It was sad at the actual goodbye but I didn't cry (every time since I've bawled my eyes out) and afterwards I just felt kind of numb. I wasn't much into laughing or hanging out with the other gringos and I slept the entire 9 hour flight back to the U.S. 


That was August of 2009. Since then I've been back to Chile twice- once for eleven days and once for three weeks- and Andrés has been here once for two months. Other than that we keep our relationship strong through lots of communication using Skype, gchat and MSN Live. God bless technology. Thanks for tuning in to read our story. Coming soon... Part V: Engagement! ;)

Gringa girls rule! We won the championship!

What we sold for Completomania

Meeting Andres' parents for the first time- I wasn't expecting that!

Beautiful scenery at the cemetery in Zapallar

At the absinthe bar for Jake's birthday. No absinthe for me though! I had to concentrate that night... on Andres!

Out dancing later on

On the couch in Lagunillas- look how cold it was!

Our last group photo together

Our first ever (and unfortunately not the last) airport goodbye