We're Doing Something Right

As a first time parent I often wonder if I'm doing it right and if I'm being a good mom. When I look at the big picture I kind of freak out, thinking how am I going to make sure she meets all of her developmental milestones, am I talking and engaging her enough, is she going to learn to sit and crawl if she's always in my arms? And how am I going to protect this tiny little girl from the cold, sickness, strangers, accidents, money problems, food allergies, prejudice and hatred in the world?! Basically everything that could hurt my baby (and I readily admit that I've probably watched too much Law and Order/NCIS/CSI which give me some crazy ideas of what evils could happen). It's at those times I want to put her back in my womb because I could protect her a lot better there. But that's not where she's meant to be and that's not how I'm meant to think. What helps me is to take things hour by hour and day by day. I know that this hour she just wants to be fed- and I can do that! And I know that today I can keep her happy and loved, fed, in a clean diaper, warm, safe from danger. I may be surviving these first months of motherhood with little sleep and not leaving our room much, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful baby that the Lord has blessed me with and see that she is THRIVING! And that is what is most important.

And after this weekend I also feel very proud and that Andrés and I are doing something right because... Amanda was baptized! I mean, how much better of a mother could I be than to make sure my daughter receives the gift of eternal life, am I right? Let me explain. Catholics have seven Sacraments and those seven are split into three groups. The Sacrament of marriage falls into the category of Sacraments of Vocation. Vocation means a calling from God. I am called by God to be married. It is my vocation to be married to Andrés. And with this vocation, which is a very great gift, comes many responsibilities. But the MAIN responsibility is to get my spouse to heaven. That is my utmost calling by God, to help and encourage the eternal salvation of my husband. And umbrellaed (I'm pretty sure I just made up that word, hehe) under that is to also get any children that come from our union to heaven.*

At Amanda's baptism, Padre Jota (the priest) asked Andrés and I what we wished of the Church for our daughter. We replied, "Baptism." And then we were asked what does Baptism give and we replied, "Eternal life" (see John chapter 3 in the Bible).We're doing something right! Of course we need to take care of Amanda's physical needs so that she has a long, healthy, happy life here on earth, but most important to me is that we take care of her spiritual needs so that she lives a holy life that will get her to heaven to spend an ETERNITY with the One who loves her more than I. We're on the right track by having her baptized. I'm not failing at being a mother.**

Amanda is a new creation in Christ, an adopted DAUGHTER OF GOD, and a temple of the Holy Spirit. I'm so happy for my little girl. And as I write "my little girl" I am reminded of what both the priest and my mother told me about Amanda's baptism. They said that she is no longer mine, that she does not belong to me. I have given her to the Father, she is His. When Padre Jota said this during the ceremony I almost started crying (dang those postpartum hormones) because while I know this is best for her, it's difficult saying that this precious little one does not belong to me. Thankfully Padre also made it clear that while she belongs to God, He still entrusts her care to me and she will always be my little girl.

We were very thankful that Andrés' childhood friend, Padre Jota, could be the priest to celebrate the Sacrament for us.

Pouring of the water

Praying the Our Father with the godparents. We decided to have her godparents be Chilean since we are living in Chile right now. We asked Roberto and Karina who are a married couple and friends of ours because we have noticed they live out their faith and we hope they will be a great example to Amanda.

Presenting Amanda to Our Lady. Totus Tuus Maria!

The happy and blessed family

Thank you to everybody who came and celebrated one of the most important days of our lives with us. And thank you to all the friends and family who weren't able to attend- we know you wanted to! Please keep our family in your prayers, that we may grow in holiness together towards our heavenly goal.


*There is so much to the Sacraments that it could fill up the pages of tens of thousands of books and thus I cannot clarify everything in great detail. So in case there is anyone unfamiliar with Catholic doctrine on the Sacraments of Baptism and Matrimony that I've written here, please understand that I am NOT saying that I can save my spouse and children nor that it is my decision nor actions that do it. Christ is the Savior and each person has to make the decision to cooperate with His saving grace. Yet as wife and mother I have the power and responsibility to give aid and encourage this.

**I don't know if putting disclaimers on my personal blog are really necessary but since I hear so much these days about "Mommy Shaming" I couldn't leave this one off. Getting Amanda baptized does make me feel like a good mom. However, if you're waiting to get your child baptized or if you don't believe in baptism/infant baptism, I'm sure you're a good mother too! The only purpose in this post was to share in the joy of Amanda's baptism and my affirmation of motherhood. :)

Amanda's Birth Story- Part II

To pick up from where we left off, read Part I here. Reminder: What I write may be too much information for some people (it is about a baby coming out of my body after all) so consider yourself forewarned. I include some details that I wouldn't normally tell some people in person in case a mother-to-be is reading and wants to know what to expect.

We left the doctor's office with just an hour to spare before I was due to check-in at the hospital. Since that wasn't enough time to run home first, we got in the car and scooted off to Lider (Chilean Walmart) for shampoo and slippers for me and snacks for mom and Andrés (husband). Then off to the hospital we went. It took about a half hour to get checked-in even though I was pre-registered so we spent the time taking my final baby bump pics. Eventually an orderly came down with a wheelchair and took us up to my fourth floor room.

38 Weeks, 4 Days

In front of the number 1 for our first child

  

Apparently we were already behind schedule because they rushed me to change into my lovely, backless hospital gown and then they started prepping me for surgery. They took my blood pressure (which was at a normal number again and makes me wonder if my OB took it right in his office), shaved me, and got my IV stand ready. Then my midwife showed up and inserted the IV into the side of my lower thumb. And let me tell you, it hurts there. It's pretty much required to have a midwife here and you don't really choose one yourself- you go with the woman your doctor has chosen to work with. I was pretty disappointed with my midwife experience because she really didn't do anything and was very matter-of-fact and not so much bedside-mannerish. I think she would have done a lot more if it was a natural birth instead of c-section but even afterwards she seemed rushed instead of willing to help me with things like how to take care of my incision and breastfeeding.

Continuing on... I was then wheeled down in my bed to the second floor where the surgery would take place. I had been told Andrés would be with my the whole time but I guess they meant only for the actual surgery part because as soon as we got down there they made him wait outside while they took me into the room to start the anesthesia. The anesthetist was a nice man who tried to reassure me right away by telling me he spoke English when he found out  I was a gringa. Usually when Chileans tell me this it means they speak a broken English that is usually more of a hindrance than help in important situations like this (although I definitely applaud them in their effort and level of English because it's hard learning another language)- and that was the case with him. He told me a few times, "It's alright, you're a big woman," thinking he was saying "you're a big girl" instead of insulting my large pregnant body. I guess I wasn't the best patient though because as he was inserting the needles in my back I kept arching away (I couldn't help it, it was an automatic reaction like when someone tickles you- except more painful) instead of pushing my spine towards him. But really, who pushes their spine towards needles? I think he first numbed up some areas with Novocaine and then put in one big needle of the anesthesia. I'm not sure on that though because nobody was explaining much to me. I really wish Andrés would have been let in for that part because of the language barrier.

Well, the drugs started to take effect and I could feel the lower half of me becoming numb and heavy. I kept testing it out, seeing if I could feel myself wiggle my toes. I think I could feel them move. This is where things start to get a bit hazy because the drugs made me tired and my mind foggy. My OB came in the room and he was moving around doing things along with the midwife, anesthetist, and about four nurses. They laid my arms out straight (like Christ on the crucifix, put up the curtain over my chest so I wouldn't be able to see my insides when opened up, and I was disrobed from there down. I noticed my midwife snap a few photos on her phone (I hope it was before I was disrobed)  and remember thinking it was weird. I then felt someone petting my head and saying it was okay. It took me about 20 seconds to realize it was Andrés and that he was in the room with me. That's how out of it I was.

Then the surgery began. From what I know they cut me open using a cauterizer (so you don't bleed as much) and Andrés said he could smell my burning flesh. Nice. Then they put a closed clamp type thing in the incision that has a string attached to it. They yanked on the string and it opened the mouth of the clamp, widening the incision area. Then they tie down the string so that it remained open. I felt no pain but I definitely felt tugging and pulling. I don't know if it was the tugging of them opening me or of them pulling the baby out. And yank her out they did! All of the sudden I heard a little cry and they told us that we had a baby girl. Amanda Rosario was born at 2:22pm on Monday, May 6th, 2013! They cut her cord and brought her around and held her head next to mine so we could see her. I didn't feel sudden euphoria or great feelings of pride and joy (I really think it was because of the drugs), but I remember just thinking "She's here." And that I felt really tired.

Amanda was taken out to be checked on by the pediatrician and cleaned and dressed. Andrés went with her and I was once again alone. They stitched me up quickly and then I was wheeled into the recovery room next door. I think I was kept there for an hour and a nurse checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes. Again, I was really tired and I didn't mind being separated from Amanda- I wanted to rest. Not normal mothering feelings. Finally I was wheeled back up to my fourth floor room. My mom, Andrés, and his parents were there waiting. They told me how cute Amanda was and how she kept turning her head when the nurse tried to point her face towards them and how she fit her whole fist in her mouth (remarkable since she has shown no interest in doing this again since that time). After a few minutes the nurses wheeled Amanda into the room and left her with us and I held my daughter for the first time. Although still under the effects of the anesthesia, I was able to marvel at her small size and beauty and to breastfeed her. Amanda weighed 2740 grams/5.9 pounds and measured 47 centimeters/18.5 inches.

Super Dad- the man who got us through it all

Getting acquainted

Most people said she looks exactly like me and my mom but I believe her nose and jawline come from Andrés. She has a full head of black hair for now and steel grey eyes that I believe will eventually change to brown. We stayed for three nights in the hospital, of which Andrés was able to stay with us the first night, and then we went home on Thursday at noon. We had many, many visitors including Andrés' whole family and a large number of my gringa friends. Although a little awkward to have to feed her in front of some of them as I was just getting used to it, it was so nice to have their support and visits.

With Grandma Jo. Everything is so big on me!

Hanging out with the abuelita

As you were reading this, some of it might have seemed kind of negative because in a way it was for me. I want to be honest about my experience. It was not the birth I wanted by far and as a matter of fact I don't really feel like I gave birth because I didn't do anything- the doctor did it all in surgery. It's still hard for me to process that Amanda is here in my arms yet I have no idea what labor and pushing a baby out feel like. I'm pretty okay with it but I worry that one day I'm going start mourning the loss of that experience as I hear some mothers do. BUT with all that being said I definitely view my c-section as a SUCCESS and a JOY too because Amanda is here, healthy and safe. I'm very happy with my new life as a family of three. Contento, Señor, contento.

Amanda's Birth Story- Part I

Amanda is already 6 weeks old, so before time gets even further away I need to write down her birth story or else I'll forget even more details. What I write may be too much information for some people (it is about a baby coming out of my body after all) so consider yourself forewarned. Also this is my version of the story- if you ask Andrés or my mom they might remember things a little differently or from another perspective. Because things were so fast and I was under the influence of anesthesia some things are a little fuzzy to me and I don't feel like I was able to process everything that was going on.

Here we go!

6 Months

Up until week 29 we had a very healthy pregnancy. Amanda had been growing well, my amniotic fluid was plenty, the placenta was well attached, everything was good. But when we went in for our third (and I had hoped final) ultrasound my OB noticed that Amanda's abdomen was measuring small. It was in a very low percentile compared to her heart, head, and legs which were measuring larger and at a medium percentile. We were told not to worry and to come back in three weeks to have it looked at again. We tried not to worry and when we went back her abdomen was still small. Went back a week later and STILL small. We were given one more week to see if it would grow. I asked my closest family and friends to pray because I couldn't form the words. At the 34 week ultrasound the OB said her abdomen had grown and everything was fine! 

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

We didn't have to go back to see the OB for another three weeks which seemed like a long time after we had been going so regularly. At 37 weeks he did another quick ultrasound and said her abdomen was still looking good. Then he said he'd see us in another week and if anything was wrong he'd do a c-section that day because he was going to a conference the latter half of that week. I was like, "Wait, what? You just said everything was good but are now talking about (what seems like a good likelihood of) a c-section next week!" This is why it's hard for me to wholly trust Chilean doctors because I've heard so many stories (especially birth stories) where they say one thing and mean another. Such as "you're completely healthy and the baby's great so there's no reason you couldn't have a natural delivery" and yet they're planning for a c-section in their schedule. But Andrés assured me after we left his office that the doc wasn't planning anything but rather just covering the bases in case something came up. Therefore I was still in my own little world preparing myself for a natural birth.

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

On Friday, May 2nd my mom arrived in Chile! With an original due date of May 17 we thought we would have about two weeks to sit in cafes and do touristy things and then two weeks to relax and enjoy the baby once she made her debut. We were just a little off in our calculations. On the morning of May 6th, on grandma's fourth day here, on day four of week 38, we went back to the doctor. We put my hospital bag in the trunk with Andrés thinking there was a 50% possibility of us having to use it that day, me thinking there was a 2% chance, and my mom somewhere inbetween. The first thing my OB did was introduce us to his colleague, another doctor who was going to do a "second opinion" ultrasound (the sixth one we had had now). I was surprised because he had said at the last two appointments that everything was good. They didn't say anything to us during the ultrasound but I could see them repeatedly measuring her head, abdomen, and leg. We then followed the doctor into his office and he checked my blood pressure. He got a worried look but again didn't say anything was wrong but made me wait a couple minutes and then he took my bp again.

He then came and sat down at the desk with Andrés, my mother, and me and explained that both he and the other OB agree that Amanda's abdomen was measuring small again- about five weeks behind the other organs in her body. He said this could mean that the placenta wasn't delivering enough nutrients so they were all going to the important organs (brain, heart, etc.) and skipping over the less important (liver). Also my blood pressure had gone up. While it wasn't high on the charts, I usually have a lower bp so it was a concern. There was also something about the blood flow to Amanda's brain but that still has yet to be fully explained to me. With all this put together the doctor highly recommended we "take her out" that day because she wouldn't grow anymore and to keep her in would just be "risk, risk, risk." When you put it that way how could we do anything but decide...

...Amanda was coming that day!

Photo Credit: Erica Work Gonzalez

Read Part II here.

Introducing My Family!

After a 16 month hiatus, I have decided to return to the blogging world! And boy has a lot happened in the past 16 months. In my last post I shared that Andrés and I got engaged. 

Since then this happened...

And very shortly after this happened...

And then this little one came along!

I know! We were a little surprised too! And so, so happy. Contenta con la vida!

We are now a family of three.


Here's a short recap of what took place over the last 16 months:
I moved back home to MN at the beginning of March 2012 to be with my family, start wedding planning, and to work and save up money for said wedding. The Lord was so kind to provide a job almost right away. I was hired to wash motorhomes. Yes, you read right. It was a good job and I got some exercise and am very thankful for the two months I did that, but washing RVs is just not for me. In May I was able to find other work for the United States Postal Service! I worked as a mail processor in the St. Cloud plant and I really enjoyed my work and co-workers. I got a workout every night (helped me get in shape for the wedding) and my co-workers were so supportive and happy for me when I got married and pregnant. The only downside is that it was the night shift- ugh.

I got to spend as much family quality time as I could when I wasn't sleeping, and everybody chipped in to help the wedding come together. Andrés came up the week before the wedding and then on August 4, 2012 we became man and wife! It was an awesome wedding and reception but the details must be saved for a later post. At the end of August Andrés returned to Chile and I planned to follow him after a few more months of work. On Septembter 13th I found out I was pregnant and Andrés got to learn about it through Skype! Oh the joys. Through the help and support of my parents I was able to move down here at the end of October and join my husband. I found part-time work right away and for months 5-7 of my pregnancy I was blessed with full-time work and again, awesome co-workers. Then on May 2nd my mom arrived and just four short days later Amanda Rosario was born! What a whirlwind. Andrés is now studying and working and I am a stay at home mom for the next few months. It's a blessed life. It's a sleepless life.

Now since I'm a wife, mother, and indefinite expat I'm sure most of my posts will be focused on these new aspects of my life. I hope you enjoy reading about these adventures and I'm so happy to share them with my friends and family- it makes me feel closer to you all across this distance. Also, don't expect posts too frequently (I make no promises to keep up the blog) because I'm still getting the hang of mothering and Amanda is still learning about life on the outside of the womb- which means she's almost permanently in my arms! With that said, I hope to see you here again somewhat soon. God bless!